As a terminally online woman, it has become impossible for me to avoid another disturbing update or gut-wrenching detail of the harrowing rape case out of France, where Dominique Pélicot, 71, stands accused of drugging his wife unconscious and then, over the course of more than a decade, inviting more than 70 men to come to their home to rape her.
For two weeks, I have seen post after post from other equally upset women about the open-court proceedings, where 72-year-old Gisèle Pélicot is facing her now ex-husband and 50 men whom the court was able to identify. In all-caps, we scream to ourselves, at each other and into the internet void, both sickened and enraged by what prosecutors say are the facts of the case.
In all-caps, we scream to ourselves, at each other and into the internet void, both sickened and enraged by what prosecutors say are the facts of the case.
Facts like: The accused are between the ages of 21 and 68 — many married with children and with run-of-the mill jobs, like a forklift driver, a journalist, an officer and a business owner.
The men were allegedly instructed to avoid using cologne or aftershave so as to not wake Gisèle, who one expert testified was “closer to a coma than to sleep.” They didn’t use condoms — one alleged assailant who is reportedly HIV-positive assaulted Gisèle six times, according to the legal report.
Dominique and 14 of the men authorities identified have admitted to rape — Gisèle’s ex-husband told authorities he used powerful tranquilizers to drug his wife then recruited men to assault her for his pleasure. The rest of the accused deny any wrongdoing. The disturbing allegations seem endless, yet there is one in particular that nearly every woman I’ve seen post about this atrocious case cannot shake: Of all the men who allegedly accepted Dominique’s invitation to assault his unconscious wife, only three did not follow through and instead walked away. Those three did not, however, alert authorities — Gisèle was only made aware of the abuse after her husband was caught filming up women’s skirts at a local supermarket, leading investigators to discover a computer file with over 200,000 images and videos of the decadelong assault.
“How did this go on for 10 years with no one sounding the alarm?” one French woman and local shop owner asked Courthouse News during an interview. “People are talking about it.”
Instead of telling someone, anyone, about the abuse, the three men remained silent and went about their lives — much like the vast majority of men on my social media feed now that news of this case has gone viral. Which begs the question: Where are all the good men?
Where are the ones who post #NotAllMen after another high-profile sexual assault case surfaces? The men who pinky-promise they’re not like the others — that they truly #BelieveWomen and follow the rules of that well-known PSA: “If you see something, say something”?
Because right now it appears as if they — like the three men who walked away — are simply content to say nothing, if my social media feed is any indication.
“Every time a man perpetrates violence against a woman, we witness an almost Pavlovian reaction: a chorus of ‘not all men’ from those desperate to distance themselves from the issue,” Women for Women France, an online resource center for French survivors of domestic abuse, said in a statement on its website.
“While it’s true that not all men are abusers, it’s equally true that every man who remains passive in the face of gender-based violence contributes to the maintenance of a system in which women and girls live in constant fear for their safety simply because of their gender.”
There is no denying the pervasive epidemic that is gender-based violence: 1 in 3 women are subjected to it globally. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), more than 80% of sexual assaults are committed by someone the individual knows — a friend, a family member or an intimate partner. At least 70% of men who have admitted to sexual violence say they had committed their first offense by age 17.
Still, it seems society insists that sexual assault is a “woman’s problem” and therefore a “woman’s responsibility” to address. We are chastised if we do not speak up quickly enough, or fail to qualify as a “perfect victim.”
Yet based on statistics alone, it is more than likely that every man knows at least one male friend, co-worker, family member or acquaintance who has committed an act of sexual assault, but has said or done nothing in response. That doesn’t necessarily include those who attach themselves to the #NotAllMen crowd who have seen — perhaps more than once — warning signs or witnessed questionable behavior or known that various stages of abuse against women have occurred at the hands of someone they know.
Sadly, men have also remained mostly silent following reports that Ugandan Olympic athlete Rebecca Cheptegei was allegedly set on fire by her former boyfriend, Dickson Ndiema Marangach. Cheptegei, who had just returned from the 2024 Paris Olympics, died as a result of her wounds. According to Nairobi journalist Emmanuel Igunza, “the athlete’s family said it had previously reported Marangach to authorities over harassment of their daughter, but no action was taken.”
I have yet to see very many men post about President Donald Trump’s latest attack on the women who have accused him of sexual assault, either. The vitriol and sexism spewing from the mouth of the Republican nominee for president has become so commonplace even many of the “good men” among us often say nothing in its wake.
According to RAINN, 21% of women who report a sexual assault do so because “they believe they had a duty to do so.” Gisèle personally requested an open trial against her husband and alleged abusers because, according to her attorney Stephane Babonneau, she wanted to raise awareness about sexual assault and show “that shame must change sides.”
It’s also common for news of high-profile cases like the one out of France to retraumatize victims and survivors of sexual assault — after Christine Blasey Ford came forward and accused now-Justice Brett Kanavaugh of sexually assaulting her in high school, calls to the National Sexual Assault Hotline increased by over 200%.
Whether we’re facing our abusers in court, whispering our truths to trusted friends or begging someone, anyone, to believe our #MeToo story online, it is historically women who speak up and discuss the pervasive issue of sexual assault — often to our own detriment.
Meanwhile, we are told to be comforted by the fact that “not all men” will physically harm us. But history proves over and over again that they won’t speak up to help us, either.
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